title: i used to have a toaster
so, i used to have a toaster, right? but this one day, i walked into my kitchen, and i saw the dog there actually eating food from the kitchen table. and i was all like oh my god, right? so, you know, i picked up the toaster to throw it at the dog, but while i was throwing it, the dog moved so that the toaster ended up hitting the dog right in the skull and my toaster got broken from the impact. so, i was all like "fuck, i broke my toaster! that damn dog!"
alternate version: i used to have a dog
. . . the toaster ended up hitting the dog right in the skull and it cracked the dog's head open and it died. and i was like "fuck, i just killed the dog." but it was all the dog's fault, you know, it shouldn't have moved. stupid dog.
title: i used to have a kitten
i used to have this kitten, and it was really cute. but then this one day, when i was just, you know, standing around stepping on my kitten (cause stepping on kittens is a perfectly normal thing to do), the phone rang and i got distracted and stepped on the kitten a little too hard and it died. that so totally wasn't my fault, though, cause i had no idea the phone was going to ring. pretty sad, though. i need to get another kitten.
okay, i gotta go to work now. note to others: this is what happens when you leave food around that i can eat. food = energy = crazy.